Teats on a Bull

I’m not really a car person. I love my Nissan Xterra. I loved my Volvo 240GL. That car never left me stranded anywhere I wasn’t safe. Ever. Same with my X – even when we hit a deer, she got me off the road and safe I even loved my Pontiac T-1000 – which was a Chevette by another name. I was never fond of that white Mitsubishi thing I had. As you can tell because I can’t even remember what it was. I’m enjoying my 1st ever sports car – a little red Mazda MX5 (aka the Miata). We’ve taken to calling the Miata the Frog because it has the headlights that pop up giving it a distinctly frog like appearance. And yes, it is a manual. An automatic sports car, even to me, is just wrong on too many levels. And one of these days I’m going to get me a Mustang. That’s what I’ve wanted since the late ’80’s. That’s the kind that uses petrol, not hay.

But beyond that… I’m not really into cars. I don’t care how fast from zero to 60 they can go. Horse power is nice – the more you have the better – but again, it’s really not that important. I’m not taking my car to a track. I don’t street race. So neither HP or 0to60 matter in the grand scheme. Plus The average age of my 2 cars in 16.5 years. Any pick they have is, well geriatric.

But why then do I now know what “brake horsepower” and “lower profile tires” and “flappy paddle gear box” mean? 2 words – Top Gear. (The BBC version – not the American version. I’ve only seen one episode if that.) I love this show. Yeah, every week they talk about some £100,000 plus car that I’ll never own – mainly because we can’t get them in the States. But I can recognize a Bugatti Veyron now. And I’ve learned stuff about cars. My one girlfriend and I have decided to test drive a Maserati Quattroporte with a flappy paddle gear box.

However the cars are secondary. I know you must be thinking… you watch a car show, but not for the cars. And yes, you would be quite correct. I watch it for the humour (it has to be spelled with the u because it’s British). Quaint My Ride is one of my favorite pieces of film (aka clips in America). I laugh until I cry every time I watch it. Thank God it’s on YouTube. I watch Top Gear for the silly stunts that they do – such as racing airport machinery to figure out which is fastest to help speed up check in times, or turn a combine (yes the farm equipment) into a snow plow with a flame thrower. Oh and then there was the camping trip. Richard Hammond is adorable in a Davey Jones in his heyday kind of a way. Jeremy Clarkson is delightfully snarky. Jeremy & Richard have the funniest facial expressions and aren’t afraid to make an ass of themselves for the camera. And James May is … well Captain Slow. All 3 have a brilliant command of English and their phraseology is delightful.

And from time to time they review a reasonably price car that I might actually be able to buy. There is of course the language barrier. Boot = Trunk. Bonnet = Hood. Saloon Car = Sedan. Estate Car = Station Wagon. A People Carrier is not a bus, but a minivan. But with the magic of the internet, my handheld device, and the British to American translation website this isn’t a problem. And petrol is gas, not any fuel that you would put in a car. They call diesel – of all things, diesel.

As I started. I’m not really a car person. I like cars. I like to drive fast (although my roll over hazard and ticket magnet have tempered that). I enjoy driving. And I enjoy Top Gear, but not necessarily for the cars.

Oh, and for the record … a flappy paddle gear box is a semi-automatic gear box with gear change levers on the steering rather than the traditional stick on the floor. It is mainly in high end performance cars.