Teats on a Bull

Dr. Jim Taggart: No, I said, “I can’t fix it,” but my little friends can.
Sheriff Jack Carter: You’ve made friends with sand now?
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Dr. Jim Taggart: I’ve got you now my furry friend. All the years you’ve tormented me, mocked me. But look who’s laughing now.
Lowjack: [Licks Taggart’s face.]
Taggart: All right. Truce then. But just ’til you’re up and about.
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Dr. Jim Taggart: I don’t know how to say this.
Sheriff Jack Carter: It’s not working.
Taggart: That’s how.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: There will never be enough showers for me to feel clean again.

Sheriff Jack Carter [to Dr. Henry Deacon who is hovering by a traffic signal]: Hey, George Jetson! How’s it going?
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Dr. Henry Deacon [to Jack who is doing traffic cop duty]: Hey, Stop & Slow! All Set!
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Zoe Carter: Apparently I have issues with authority and listening and…  I don’t know. Other stuff. I wasn’t really paying attention.
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Zoe Carter [slurping the end of a milkshake]: Hit me.
Vincent: I’m cutting you off. I think three’s your limit.
Zoe: I don’t pay you to think. I pay you to pour.
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Dr. Nathan Stark: I didn’t bring him here..  I built him here.  Callister’s AI.
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Deputy Jo Lupo: It’s just my luck, right? all the good ones are either gay, married or robots.
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Dr. Nathan Stark: Remember what Alan Turning said?
Callister Raynes: He figured God could give a computer a soul if he wanted to.  Do you think that’s true?
Nathan: I know it is.

Dr. Nathan Stark: You comfortable, Fargo? Can I offer you a beverage?
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Dr. Nathan Stark: Competition breeds excellence. It brings out the best in us.
Dr. Douglas Fargo: Yeah, tell that to Nancy Kerrigan.
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Sheriff Jack Carter [about Stark]: Yeah well, I say, “Screw him.”
Deputy Jo Lupo: Well, he’s probably saying the same thing about you, only in Latin.
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Zoe Carter: Good God, it’s Nerd-vana.
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Dr. Jim Taggart: The large stride, trail of destruction, extended footprint…
Sheriff Jack Carter: Tell me you don’t mean Bigfoot?
Taggart: I mean Gigantopithecus Americanus.
Jack: Let’s give him a sobriety test.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Hey, Jo, do you have a knife?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Henry, what are you doing?
Dr. Henry Deacon: Working on a hunch. [he walks over to where the test dummy head is] A hypothesis on how our guy died and it wasn’t any Bigfoot.
Jack: Yeah, wel,l tell me something I don’t know?
Henry: Okay. He tripped.
Jack: He tripped and was hit by the car?
Henry: No. He hit the car!
Jack: What was he going like 500 miles an hour.
Henry: 599 miles an hour and he glanced off it, which would explain why the car spun out instead of being smashed on impact.
Jack: Yeah, I think I like the Bigfoot theory again.
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Dr. Allison Blake: So, I thought you were mad at me.
Sheriff Jack Carter: If I was, would I be taking you out to lunch?
Allison: Here? [referring to Global Dynmics cafeteria]
Jack: Well, maybe I’m a little mad at you, yeah.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Look for someone eating a massive amount of food.
Dr. Allison Blake: So we’re looking for someon who’s hungry?
Jack: Yeah.
Allison: In a cafeteria, at lunch?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: These guys are eating way too much.
Dr. Nathan Stark: Your damning evidence is a health appetite?
Jack: Well, when you put like that, it just sound’s dumb.
Nathan: I know. Look, Sheriff, I’m going to need something a little more conclusive than the munchies.
[Fargo blasts through at mach 5]
Jack: That more what you had in mind?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: All right. I’m just gonna be in the next room.  I have a gun.  You know that, right?
Zoe Carter: Dad!
Jack: It’s loaded.
Zoe: Leave!
Jack: I’m just saying.
Zoe: Now!
Jack: I’m a  pretty good shot.

Dr. Henry Deacon: Well, you’ve got a lot of great stuff in here.  It just deserves our respect.
Dr. Douglas Fargo: The dumpster’s down the hall to the left.
Henry: Dumpster? No, No, No. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
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Sheriff Jack Carter [looking at a MAD silo] Yeah, that can’t be good.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Okay, okay, this ion beam thingy, that is what exactly?
Dr. Henry Deacon: Irradiated uranium isotopes.
Dr. Douglas Fargo: Oh, God!
Jack: Oh, death ray.  Why don’t you just say death ray?
Henry: I’ve searched your entire database. There’s not one single record of silos, or irradiated isotopes, or ionosphere particle beams.
Jack: Try death ray?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: I’m looking for a retired scientist.
Eugenia Biddle: Swing a cat.
Jack: A Dr. Thatcher?
Eugenia: Irvin? Room 101. But why do you want…? [Carter leaves quickly]
Zoe Carter: Wait for it.
Jack [returning]: Hey! Room 101, that would be…?
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Dr. Irvin Thatcher: The question remains fusion or fission. Fission? Certainly not. I haven’t been fishin’ since I lived on Lake Erie. You think that’s eerie? How do you explain quasar energy paradox? Or baldness amoung musicians? Hmmm?
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Dr. Henry Deacon: These locking bolts, are they some kind of proprietary threading?
Dr. Irvin Thatcher: Reverse the hex.
Henry: Excuse me?
Irvin: If you want sex, reverse the hex.
Dr. Nathan Stark: Sheriff, at any point when you picked him up, the car ride, the long walk down here, happen to notice this guy’s not all there?
Jack: Yeah, there may have been signs.
Irvin: Righty loosey, lefty tighty.
Henry: Got it.
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MAD Machine: Weapon will deploye in 20 hours.
Dr. Nathan Stark: Do it.
MAD Machine: Lauch code override initiated. Weapon will deploy in 7 hours.
Nathan: Let’s not cut any more wires.
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Deputy Jo Lupo: We’ve got everything under control. [MAD silo opens] Except for that.
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Dr. Nathan Stark [shouts after several attempts]: Henry, how’s the drilling going?
Dr. Henry Deacon: This laser bombardment drill cuts through quartz like butter! I should be done in what, uh, 5 hours.
MAD Machine: Weapon will deploy in 4 hours.
Nathan: Drill faster.
Henry: Yeah.
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Dr. Nathan Stark [after Carter breaks the glass on the display case and borrows his Nobel]: I miss Sheriff Cobb.
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Dr. Nathan Stark [after Eugenia cracks her knuckles to use the computer]: Oh, for the love of God.
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Sheriff Jack Carter [looking at the bigger MAD silo]: Not good. Very not good.
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Dr. Irvin Thatcher [speaking of using Carter’s Jeep as a remaining device]: I think desperate times call for desperate measures.

Dr. Allison Carter: Carter? Whatcha doing?
Sheriff Jack Carter: I’m the sheriff. I’m sheriffing.
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Dr. Allison Carter: So strip. We’ll just do the physical here.
Dr. Jack Carter: Excuse me?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: No.  There’ll be no pant dropping without a nice dinner and many, many cocktails.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Gotta go. Protect and serve. [leaving]
Deputy Jo Lupo: Wait for it.
Jack [returning]: Where am I going exactly?
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Dr. Carl Carlson: Every molecule of my life has been erased.
HR counselor: That’s our goal. Have a good day.
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Dr. Carl Carlson: I irritate you. I irritate everybody, it’ not surprising. I’m irritating.

Vincent: Roasted jalapeno maize kernals with demiglaze, get ’em while they’re steamy.
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Deputy Jo Lupo: What’s wrong with you people? Turn it down!
Spencer Martin: What? Why?
Jo: The neighbors are complaining about the noise.
Spencer: Which neighbors?
Jo: The state of Idaho. Turn it down!
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Dr. Henry Deacon: It’s a little difficult to breath with you camped out on my diaphragm.
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Dr. Henry Deacon: Tell me this wasn’t filled with weapons.
Sheriff Jack Carter: No. No, it wasn’t.
Henry: You’re lying to me aren’t you?
Jack: Oh, big time.
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Dr. Nathan Stark: Our tests have confirmed that it’s terrestrial in origin. We just can’t figure out who created it.
Congressman Arnold Faraday: Oh, my God.
Nathan: That’s one theory.
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Dr. Jim Taggart: Who is it?
Sheriff Jack Carter: It’s Carter. I’m unarmed. Open the door.
Taggart: And, ah…, What is this in reference to?
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Dr. Allison Blake: So, everybody’s ok?
Sheriff Jack Carter: Oh, no, they’re freaking bug nuts.

Sheriff Jack Carter: What’s next? They’re going to classify the contents of my fridge, my underwear drawer?
Dr. Allison Blake: You think agents of a foreign government would be after your underwear?
Jack: Maybe. I can be pretty up when I want to.
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Deputy Jo Lupo: It’s called a senior moment. Soon you’ll be driving with just that one right blinker going nonstop.
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Dr. Henry Deacon: I can put that under a UV scope.  It’ll high… [watching Jack color on the ticket with the side of a pencil] Or you could just draw over it. Same thing.

Deputy Jo Lupo: Carter, this is a town full of scientist. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as ghosts.
Susan Perkins: Where’s Walter?
Sheriff Jack Carter: [looking at Susan Perkins who was just buried] Um… You were saying?
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Sheriff Jack Carter: It’s not like we have a standard form to undead you.
Deputy Jo Lupo: clears throat
Jack: Tell me you’re kidding.
Jo: 924 slash B. In triplicate.
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Dr. Allison Blake: But we’re still going to need to do some digging.
Sheriff Jack Carter:  Awww… You mean I gotta go back to the…
Allison: Yes.
Jack: Well, someone’s gotta get me a cor…
Allison: That’s right.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: [watching Henry putting his Coronor tag on his overalls]
 County Coronor, huh?
Dr. Henry Deacon: Board certified.
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Dr. Henry Deacon [after Jack told him to pull the batteries from his Omniversal Remote]: Batteries. Now why didn’t I think of that?
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Dr. Douglas Fargo: Um… You might want to be careful with this. It’s a portable generator.
Sheriff Jack Carter: So?
Fargo: A fission-powered portable generator.
Jack: Ok. Don’t sleep on the nuclear powered device. Good safety tip.
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Sheriff Jack Carter [after seeing the outside of SARAH]: I’m going back to my cell.
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Dr. Douglas Fargo: Bathroom.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Oh, Fargo, you gotta get yourself a girlfriend.
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Sheriff Jack Carter [after being left alone with SARAH]: I’m a human guinea pig.
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Susan Perkins: Yes! I am Susan Perkins. Back from the grave. Everyone take a good look.
Dr. Allison Carter: Ah. You feel better now?
Susan: Yeah, a little.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Do ghosts have frequencies?
Dr. Henry Deacon: Oh. We’re gonna need a bigger battery.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: I gotta fill out a report on this anyway, and I still don’t know how to spell corporeal, so…
Dr. Henry Deacon: C-O-R-P-O-R-E-A-L.

Marshal Jack Carter: Let’s not shoot the crazy-end-of-the-world machine just yet okay?
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Marshal Jack Carter: You’ve had problems before.
Dr. Allison Blake: Ocassionally.
Jack: Like?
Allison: Global Warming.
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Sheriff Jack Carter: Not the promotion you were hoping for. No big deal. You can do this Jack.