Colonel Jack O’Neill: I’d be happy to debrief you all after I’ve debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Major General George Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Jack: [quietly to Daniel] Bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wasn’t gonna say anything.
Jack O'Neill
Stargate SG-1, Small Victories, Quote
Colonel Jack O’Neill: Where’s the fanfare, General?
Major Samantha Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
Jack: Again. This should not get old, General.
Stargate SG-1, The Curse, Quote
[Colonel O’Neill is sitting fishing. Teal’c is standing next to him staring at a rod.]
Teal’c: There appears to be no fish here, O’Neill.
Colonel Jack O’Neill: T, it’s not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context. It’s about fish-ing, the act of fishing itself.
Teal’c: I see.
[Sound of a cell phone ringing. O’Neill looks around.]
Colonel Jack O’Neill: You didn’t?
Teal’c: By request of General Hammond.
[O’Neill reaches around into a bag behind him and picks out the phone. He answers it.]
Colonel Jack O’Neill: [mutters] No way.
[Teal’c slaps a mosquito as Jack answers phone shouting]
Jack: What?
Jack: [calmer] Yes Daniel, he’s right here. Please hold. [hands the phone to Teal’c]
Teal’c: Daniel Jackson. We have caught nothing. We are fishing.
Stargate SG-1, Double Jeopardy, Quote
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O’Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
Colonel Jack O’Neill: [pause] Ahhh, yes sir…
Hammond: Then it would seem that your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.
Stargate SG-1, Double Jeopardy, Quote
Major Samantha Carter: It says ‘Comtraya’.
General George Hammond: What does it mean?
Colonel Jack O’Neill: Ahh, it’s kinda like shalome or aloha, that stuff.
Stargate SG-1, Prodigy, Quote
{Colonel O’Neill walks up and knocks on the door.]
General George Hammond: Come in.
Colonel Jack O’Neill: General, I’d like to talk to you about this mission upon which we are about to embark. Seems a bit…ridiculous doesn’t it?
Hammond: Have you met General Ryan?
General Michael E. Ryan: Hello, Colonel.
Jack: The General Ryan? Chief of Staff?
Ryan: That’s right.
[Jack looks stunned.]
Jack: [low, to Hammond] Shouldn’t there have been a memo or something?
Hammond: You were off world.
Jack: Ahh yeah. So what brings you to our little secret base, sir?
Ryan: That would be the ridiculous mission you just mentioned.
Jack: Of course.
Hammond: I’m proposing that M4C-862 become a permanent research station. I’d like you to make an assessment.
Jack: The General Ryan?
Ryan: I’ve read a lot about you, Colonel, from General Hammond’s reports.
Jack: Yes, sir?
Ryan: Thus far we like your work.
Jack: Thank you, sir. I like yours. Your Air Force. The Air Force. I love the Air Force.
Hammond: Anything else Colonel?
Jack: No, sir. Well, actually I’d like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this…very important mission?
Hammond: Dr. Jackson is offworld with SG-11. Major Carter is giving a lecture at the Air Force Academy in theoretical astrophysics. If you’d care to take her place…?
Jack: No.
Hammond: Then you’re dismissed.
Jack: Thank you, sir. Sirs. Si…Both of you.
[Jack leaves.]
Ryan: Got your hands full with that one, eh, George?:
Stargate SG-1, Urgo, Quote
Major Samantha Carter: Well, he can’t actually make us do anything we don’t want to, sir.
Dr. Janet Frasier: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn’t you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn’t mean to!
Colonel Jack O’Neill/Sam/Dr. Daniel Jackson: [in unison] He didn’t mean to.
Teal’c: It was not his intention.
[The others all look at Teal’c. Urgo gives a thumbs up.]
General George Hammond: I trust I have made my point.
Stargate SG-1, Urgo, Quote
Urgo: Turn me off?
Colonel Jack O’Neill: [to Carter] Please.
Urgo: You’re wasting your time, it’s impossible. Hey, I got an idea, why don’t we play hide and seek? You hide, and I’ll…you know…I’m not going to cheat, you know, ’cause I have… [He covers his eyes] One, two, three, four…
General George Hammond: [to Carter]
Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
Urgo: Five, six…
Major Samantha Carter: Thank you.
[They all leave the room.]
Urgo: Seven, eight, nine, ten…ha, ha.
[Urgo uncovers his eyes and looks around for SG-1.]
Stargate SG-1, Urgo, Quote
[SG-1 are sitting at the table, with Hammond and Fraiser at one end and Urgo at the other. An airman stands guard behind him.]
Urgo: [singing] Me, me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me me me. Me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me… [goes low and then high] Me, me, me, me, me me me…
Colonel Jack O’Neill: [annoyed] Will you stop it?!
[Urgo shuts up. The Airman thinks O’Neill is talking to him, while Hammond and Fraiser look on in shock.]
Stargate SG-1, Urgo, Quote
Urgo: Yes, as in dead. They’re going to kill you. They’ll open your brains with a big, giant can opener and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That’s how it works. It’s death or me. Me or death. You’ve got to decide. Me or death.
[No one answers.]
Urgo: Well?
Colonel Jack O’Neill: We’re thinking