Jeremy Clarkson: The weak point of the modern car is the squidgy organic bit behind the wheel.
Archive for the ‘Top Gear’ Category
Richard Hammond: “I’ll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful, or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of, or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige willfully awful pile of misery”.
Richard’s opinion of the Morris Marina from Series 13, Episode 5 (110th episode).
From Richard Hammond’s lastest article on … hands-on engineering
“My mate Hadrian, an engineer, came over with all the required kit for the operation, including the new lump of chassis. His stated intention was to pull up a chair and work his way through a giant sack of popcorn while I provided the entertainment by burning the workshop to the ground and blinding myself as I learned how to weld. Good plan.”
Read the whole thing at: http://www.topgear.com/uk/richard-hammond/richard-hammond-top-gear-magazine-column-2012-03-27
Series 14 Episode 6 (118 show) original air date 12-27-09.
The Bolivia Special
Richard Hammond: We’re close to the equator.
Jeremy Clarkson: We’re very close to it. Perhaps we’re on it.
Richard: No we can’t be. We’d see it … a big dotted line.
Ok. On a Top Gear theme. My girlfriend alerted me to Richard Hammond’s lastest mastery of the english language.
Richard Hammond on: sport buttons
Here are 2 quotes from it.
“And then, like an alarm clock strapped to a stick of dynamite, the rev-counter’s needle ticked up to 7,500rpm, and all hell was let loose. Suddenly, my eyes made a dive for my neck, my stomach and lungs were straining to escape backwards out of my riding jeans, and the scenery to either side went all stretchy and thin. ”
And
“Kermit had gone crazy, pulled out a death ray, bitten the head off a chicken, drunk eight litres of tequila and shagged Miss Piggy in a skip outside a nightclub.”
And what does that have to do with a “sport button” (which supposedly changes the suspension in a car to make it stiffer and better handling)? You’ll have to read the article and find out.
I’m not really a car person. I love my Nissan Xterra. I loved my Volvo 240GL. That car never left me stranded anywhere I wasn’t safe. Ever. Same with my X – even when we hit a deer, she got me off the road and safe I even loved my Pontiac T-1000 – which was a Chevette by another name. I was never fond of that white Mitsubishi thing I had. As you can tell because I can’t even remember what it was. I’m enjoying my 1st ever sports car – a little red Mazda MX5 (aka the Miata). We’ve taken to calling the Miata the Frog because it has the headlights that pop up giving it a distinctly frog like appearance. And yes, it is a manual. An automatic sports car, even to me, is just wrong on too many levels. And one of these days I’m going to get me a Mustang. That’s what I’ve wanted since the late ’80’s. That’s the kind that uses petrol, not hay.
But beyond that… I’m not really into cars. I don’t care how fast from zero to 60 they can go. Horse power is nice – the more you have the better – but again, it’s really not that important. I’m not taking my car to a track. I don’t street race. So neither HP or 0to60 matter in the grand scheme. Plus The average age of my 2 cars in 16.5 years. Any pick they have is, well geriatric.
But why then do I now know what “brake horsepower” and “lower profile tires” and “flappy paddle gear box” mean? 2 words – Top Gear. (The BBC version – not the American version. I’ve only seen one episode if that.) I love this show. Yeah, every week they talk about some £100,000 plus car that I’ll never own – mainly because we can’t get them in the States. But I can recognize a Bugatti Veyron now. And I’ve learned stuff about cars. My one girlfriend and I have decided to test drive a Maserati Quattroporte with a flappy paddle gear box.
However the cars are secondary. I know you must be thinking… you watch a car show, but not for the cars. And yes, you would be quite correct. I watch it for the humour (it has to be spelled with the u because it’s British). Quaint My Ride is one of my favorite pieces of film (aka clips in America). I laugh until I cry every time I watch it. Thank God it’s on YouTube. I watch Top Gear for the silly stunts that they do – such as racing airport machinery to figure out which is fastest to help speed up check in times, or turn a combine (yes the farm equipment) into a snow plow with a flame thrower. Oh and then there was the camping trip. Richard Hammond is adorable in a Davey Jones in his heyday kind of a way. Jeremy Clarkson is delightfully snarky. Jeremy & Richard have the funniest facial expressions and aren’t afraid to make an ass of themselves for the camera. And James May is … well Captain Slow. All 3 have a brilliant command of English and their phraseology is delightful.
And from time to time they review a reasonably price car that I might actually be able to buy. There is of course the language barrier. Boot = Trunk. Bonnet = Hood. Saloon Car = Sedan. Estate Car = Station Wagon. A People Carrier is not a bus, but a minivan. But with the magic of the internet, my handheld device, and the British to American translation website this isn’t a problem. And petrol is gas, not any fuel that you would put in a car. They call diesel – of all things, diesel.
As I started. I’m not really a car person. I like cars. I like to drive fast (although my roll over hazard and ticket magnet have tempered that). I enjoy driving. And I enjoy Top Gear, but not necessarily for the cars.
Oh, and for the record … a flappy paddle gear box is a semi-automatic gear box with gear change levers on the steering rather than the traditional stick on the floor. It is mainly in high end performance cars.
2010 Special (126 show) original air date 12/26/10
Middle East Special
Jeremy Clarkson: This is an outrage. This is just astonishing, this road. I want to marry it and have it’s babies.
Series 13, Episode 2 (107 show) original air date 06/28/09
What is the perfect car for 17 year olds for £2,500?
[after equiping a Volvo wagon wagon with a water lie-low (mattress) with a leopard print throw and some shag bumpers.]
Jeremy Clarkson: [reading from the card] “‘The Festival Test’: You’ve been at Glastenbury for the weekend, it’s finished, and now it’s a straight race to see who can pack all their camping equipment and stuff into their car and get out of the park.” How hard can it be?
Richard Hammond: Don’t say that!
[after the guys begin packing]
Jeremy: Guys! Problem!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I’ve shoved my “anarchy” flag through my water lie-low.
Richard: Noboby’s ever said that before.
Series 15, Episode 2 (121 show) original air date 07/27/10
The team attempts to find a second-hand sports saloon that is suitable for everyday tasks and track days on a budget of £5,000.
[On the German Stig]
James May: No, hang on.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, my, giddy aunt.
Richard Hammond: Mullet.
James: I think he might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus.
Series 15, Episode 4 (123 show) original air date 07/18/10
The team attempts to find a solution to the problem of the caravan, by building motorhomes on the back of a Land Rover 110, a Citroën CX, and a Lotus Excel.
Jeremy Clarkson: The thing in my nose has a face!