Richard Hammond: “I’ll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful, or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of, or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige willfully awful pile of misery”.

Richard’s opinion of the Morris Marina from Series 13, Episode 5 (110th episode).

From Richard Hammond’s lastest article on … hands-on engineering

“My mate Hadrian, an engineer, came over with all the required kit for the operation, including the new lump of chassis. His stated intention was to pull up a chair and work his way through a giant sack of popcorn while I provided the entertainment by burning the workshop to the ground and blinding myself as I learned how to weld. Good plan.”

Read the whole thing at: http://www.topgear.com/uk/richard-hammond/richard-hammond-top-gear-magazine-column-2012-03-27

Series 14 Episode 6 (118 show) original air date 12-27-09.
The Bolivia Special

Richard Hammond: We’re close to the equator.
Jeremy Clarkson: We’re very close to it. Perhaps we’re on it.
Richard: No we can’t be. We’d see it … a big dotted line.

About 2 months ago, my girlfriend started reading Richard Hammond’s On the Edge.  She kept reading bits to me until I could take it no more – about 10 minutes – and went off an bought my own copy. Needless to say it took me awhile to crack the spine (figuratively… I like to keep my books as pristine as possible) even though she kept quoting bits to me. And then I read a bit, and then a little bit more not getting very far. So a couple of days ago I bought the audio version, only after checking to make sure the voice on the other end of the earphones was Richard.  Unfortunately it is an abridged version.  I have 2 problems with abridged version.  1) Bits are missing. and 2) if the author had wanted those bits missing he (or she) wouldn’t have written them in the first place.  How do they know what I will think is important? So basically I get annoyed.  And having read the 1st couple of chapters, I could see out what was missing right off the bat. Oh well.

Ok, not really Richard Hammond.  Richard Hammond’s book On the Edge: My Story.  And it really wasn’t a sound sleep, it was more like a doze and I was woken up when the book knocked me in the face.  Thank God it was a paperback. So obviously I haven’t gotten very far, page 6 or so.   Here is the publisher’s description…

 Ok.  On a Top Gear theme.  My girlfriend alerted me to Richard Hammond’s lastest mastery of the english language.

 Richard Hammond on: sport buttons

Here are 2 quotes from it.

 ”And then, like an alarm clock strapped to a stick of dynamite, the rev-counter’s needle ticked up to 7,500rpm, and all hell was let loose. Suddenly, my eyes made a dive for my neck, my stomach and lungs were straining to escape backwards out of my riding jeans, and the scenery to either side went all stretchy and thin. ”

And

Series 13, Episode 2 (107 show) original air date 06/28/09
What is the perfect car for 17 year olds for £2,500?

[after equiping a Volvo wagon wagon with a water lie-low (mattress) with a leopard print throw and some shag bumpers.]

Jeremy Clarkson: [reading from the card] “‘The Festival Test’: You’ve been at Glastenbury for the weekend, it’s finished, and now it’s a straight race to see who can pack all their camping equipment and stuff into their car and get out of the park.” How hard can it be?
Richard Hammond: Don’t say that!
[after the guys begin packing]
Jeremy: Guys! Problem!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I’ve shoved my “anarchy” flag through my water lie-low.
Richard: Noboby’s ever said that before.

Series 15, Episode 2 (121 show) original air date 07/27/10
The team attempts to find a second-hand sports saloon that is suitable for everyday tasks and track days on a budget of £5,000.

[On the German Stig]
James May: No, hang on.
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, my, giddy aunt.
Richard Hammond: Mullet.
James: I think he might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus.

Series 14, Episode 6 (118 show) original air date 12/27/09
The Bolivia Special

Richard Hammond: Did your co-presenter on your television program just attack you with a machete?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, he did. He came to the window quite cross because I ran into him.
Richard: That doesn’t happen on clothes programs or gardening shows.

Series 14, Episode 6 (118 show) original air date 12/27/09
The Bolivia Special

Richard Hammond: James is killing Jeremy.  I think things are going well.